The price of something better?

I’m writing this on the train platform and hopefully I’ll get a seat on the train so I can continue to write all the way home (which I did, victory!), because I think it’s just what I need right now, besides someone that can provide me with at least one of the things I’m going to write below.

So, what’s the gist of tonight’s entry? Well, it’s getting far too frustrating. Nothing in particular, just everything. Uni is no longer stimulating, work is good only for the people but not the job I have to perform, I need things from people but I don’t think I’m overly ready for what people want from me.

Let’s take this apart, one by one, shall we?

Uni just seems like something that is there to take up the first half of the week, but not for me to actually learn things. The classes this semester are just not engaging in the slightest!

Statistics and Research Methods is absolutely horrible, in both what it covers and the time at which it is held! Everyone who’s talked to me about any kind of education level knows these things: I drank through most of my high school (and some of the uni) years, I learn by talking about the subject with people and I don’t understand mathematics like everyone else seems to. I have to have it explained to me as if I’m an absolute numbskull for it to sink in, rather than the “that’s the formula: use it” method. Maths just doesn’t interest me in the slightest because there’s no room for error, it’s all either right or wrong, no time for personal interpretation or opinion. The class is also at 6:30 p.m. on a Monday evening, after I’ve been at uni since 8:30 a.m. for 3 hours before that, so all I want to do is go back to sleep, not concentrate intently for another two hours.

Psychology doesn’t seem all that interesting at the moment, as none of it really relates to what I really want to do for a career, so it all goes through one ear and straight out the other. It seems that all of the things that get me excited are non-examinable and, more often than not, off topic.

eSociety is also horrible, but I don’t have to go to next weeks lecture (thank god!) partly because I don’t find the specific topics they talk about particularly thrilling, and also the time is horrible for a two hour lecture, at 8:30 a.m.

Sociology seems to be the only thing that offers glimmers of incitement and fervour from within that head of mine which has been slowly accumulating dust and cobwebs. That’s because of the friends I have in that set of lectures and tutorials and the fact that people are trying to understand the way large groups of people interact and work or fight together and even the impact broad issues and norms have on the individual. But those sparks of motivation and mental awakening are far less often than I would prefer.

All in all, I’m hanging out for the holidays and ultimately some of the classes I get to take next semester, specifically the sociological ones, because I have no motivation to learn about the stuff they’re forcing into my brain at the moment! For crying out loud, I cannot see many positives in my education at the moment which frustrates me more and more each day. Needless to say, I’m more than glad that the holidays are coming up in a few weeks, then it’s all work and free time for me, and my brain can go into hibernation for a few months. Maybe it’ll give me an opportunity to start a few of those projects I’ve been going on about? Also, I’ll be going into and out of hospital for the men in white coats to fix my hand, and apparently I’ll need about 6 weeks recovery from that, so I guess I’ll be taking pictures and writing left handed.

I think I’m only staying at my current job because of the people I work with. The girls at work (yes, I work with only one guy, and he’s leaving on Friday [now Friday gone], so it’ll be just me) but those reasons are slowly slipping away.

Kristy, the girl who helped me get the job in the first place, tried to get me fired a few weeks back, of which I am not appreciative in the slightest. To cut a long story short, she snapped at me, so I snapped back and she flipped out, told my boss that I’d been going on Facebook whilst at work, so I told her (over Facebook, for ironies sake) that I didn’t want to be her friend after she’d tried to get me fired for the second time. Good old Kristy, at least she’s now living up to the pet name I had for her; Scum.

Though, it was amusing, to me at least, that now we’re not talking (well, she is yelling at me, a lot, but I just smile and keep working just to give her the shits) I don’t have to put up with her bipolar mood swings and general demeanour of bitchiness and back-stabbery. So I’ve been enjoying work just that little bit more now.

I was talking to Brigit about this today (almost a week after I started writing this post), actually, so here’s to you, lovely.

When I get bored, I start to analyse the relationships between myself and my friends, or just between my friends. I think about what they’re really getting out of the relationship, whether it is conscious or unconscious. So I’ve come up with a few things, but I’ll avoid using names in case they get upset with me. Though, if you think about it the same way I do and listen to the meaning behind what I say when I talk to you, you should be able to guess.

With one of my friends I’m incredibly chauvinistic and derogatory, and it gets all of it out of my system for at least a week, though I do end up repeating myself. Also, I’m teaching him to drink during the day and he wants me to write a book of all my personal insights, which probably isn’t such a bad idea, seeing as he claims he’ll pay me in beer! Our relationship seems based on mutual self-deprecation and sexist or racist remarks, which makes us feel like we’re not alone in what we feel and think.

Another, I feel unstable and childish, where anything goes and she’ll laugh with and at me and everything seems acceptable, though we had a serious conversation today, which was a good change of pace, so now she knows I’m not a complete nut job. She’s good company, because there’s never a dull moment, unless she’s studying, the smart cookie!

This one girl, she makes my head spin. I don’t know how she does it, maybe because she’s something fresh and new in her perspective on things, but she makes my imagination and feelings go mental, and I get so over excited and happy and I feel the need to be affectionate. Though that probably wouldn’t go down too well because she lives with her partner. We can talk for ages about the abstract and serious things and not let the conversation die, or switch to childhood heroes and all sorts of odd bits of information that not many people consider to be overly normal.

Another girl, this one’s a keeper I think, she’s so optimistic. And it’s not about some things, it seems that everything has such a good side. She’s always smiling and having a laugh, and whenever I’m with her I wish so many more people could have her gift, including myself.

One of her friends, never ceases to amaze me: she always manages to turn things into a joke somehow and is rarely embarrassed by anything. She’s always smiling, and I can see why her friends like her so much.

The next three girls, I’ve known for a while, they’ve either got the same kind of humour as me (we trained each other since we first met) and we never manage to have a quiet time unless we’re watching a movie or thinking together. Good study buddies, two of them all three are never afraid to speak their minds, though one without much experience with the stuff I’m usually preoccupied with, and it’s incredibly refreshing. They’ve inspired me to have January as my ‘Brutal Honesty January’ (as this month is Movember, and December is my quiet time to relax).

The last boy, he makes me feel slightly more manly and far more sporty and competitive than I’d normally like to admit, though he did help me through my ‘Healthy October’ month, though, he doesn’t seem to trust me that much any more. Who the fuck thinks ‘pow wow’ is sexual? Anyone?

Anyway, out of all these people, I can get my fix of all the positive feelings and mindsets, though I think it’s slightly unhealthy that I don’t have anyone I can be angry, aggressive or sad with because that shit just bottles up. Thanks to these people, who help keep me in check, it’s greatly needed and appreciated. Consider yourselves loved.

My question is, how much do you have to sacrifice to keep close to people like this, before it becomes unhealthy? And what if you’re unhealthy to begin with?

What is the price of something better?

Anyway, I’m going to bed, only get up and go for a ride, then attend poorly planned Cup Day celebrations. Good luck to all my friends who are doing exams at the moment and happy Movember to you moustache wielding maniacs.

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