What it is, is a monumental headfuck.

I tried to get my head around it for ages, but sometimes this doesn’t want to work.
You’d think you’d be able to find who, and what, you are in a place like this. Apparently I lack the headspace to do so. And it’s frustrating.

I get incredibly frustrated when I can’t work the way I need to, to get things done, especially when I have other people count on me to get it done. Work for example, I feel like I can’t do anything there properly because of my hands, I can’t lift everything like I used to. Uni, I can’t concentrate because I’m too preoccupied with trying to get myself in a better frame of mind, so I can’t read, I can’t take notes, I can’t take anything in. At home, I’m too tired to function properly so my folks think I’m drinking constantly (which seems incredibly tempting right now) and anti-social. When I’m out with my friends, I feel like I need to tell people things, about them, about their friends, about me, but they’re either stuck in the past and not likely to move forward and progress, or I know I’d fuck up a lot of things.
Right now I can’t work things out that will help me, and I can’t unload any of it because no one else needs that shit right now.

I find it funny, different people see different sides of me, depending on what I want to show them.
Uni people see the manic, over excitable kid who lives on the other side of town and just wants to be a kid again. There are a few people I’d love to say things to, but the time just ain’t right or they’d overreact in the extreme.
The guys I used to hang out with at school saw the serious but spineless kid, who just wanted to get out of there, but stuck to it anyway.
At work, my boss thinks I never speak, that I’m quiet and reserved, but I think Purdee thinks I’m irresponsible and immature.
I know my family think I’m a bit odd, anti-social, unmotivated, drugged, lazy and uninterested.
The different people I’m intimate with (either physically or emotionally) get the cutesy, cuddly guy who’s overly awkward and clumsy when he talks or moves.
Fuck, thinking about it, Cassie didn’t even get the full show. She only got the same things as the high school kids and the awkwardness.
And only a few people have seen me snap and go birko. Kate, Karen, my folks and Allicia are probably the only ones. It scares me, a lot, that. Now that I’m bigger and uglier than before, I think I could really get messy.

It gets confusing, when different groups are present, such as parties because I don’t know how to act, and I get really awkward looks and questions and it makes people think I hate everyone. Kind of funny, when you think about it, really.
I think I’d get the same reaction that Erin Fischer, that it’s ‘too intense’ or too full on, all at once. She’s good value though, it’s a pity we ‘can’t be friends’… Who the fuck says we can’t, besides you?

I’d love to meet someone who could follow the way my mind works. Any takers? Because, seriously, it’d be an experience. And a relief
Well, I’ve gotta make appointments for Wednesday. Good night, or rather, good morning, readers.

Blogs away.